Hey Scarlett Johanssen: You have to be very thorough to find a nice Jewish boy

Jewlicious (one of my favorite blogs) is reporting that Tom Cruise tried to convert Scarlett Johansen to the Chruch of Ron L. Hubbard. According this article, which we must report to be a rumor, poor Scarlett spent two hours listening to him, and he didn’t even offer “her a cookie.” (is that how it works?). That was way too polite ck and company. I have some solid advice for Jewish ladies, actresses or not. Any guy that believes wacky stuff, is not going to make a great Jewish Dad. This must be absolute rule by which to judge a guy before you will go out on a date with him. Let’s face it that guys, in general, will say just about anything to woo a girl. Guys are shameless in their pursuit and will even agree to sending the kids to birthright and giving up mayonaise, if you will just go out to dinner with them.

Please hear it from the Rabbi. Ladies, whether you are a superstar or not, whatever makes you tick, if you are Jewish I have some questions for your would be date that will spare you years of wasted time, heartache, and misery. If he can stand up to these ten questions, than maybe, and only maybe, he is suitable material for closer scrutiny.

1) What do we do with our baby boys on the eight days after he is born?
2) What kind of summer camp should we send our kids to?
3) Did you know that Jewish women have special powers over men?
4) What do you need to make Shabbat Dinner?
5) How many latkes does it take to make a matzoh ball? (this one always trips them up…)
6) If you need a ride to the airport, do you call a Shofar?
7) Moses gave the ten commandments, please name the 7th one.
8) If you could buy your wife any gift, what would it be?
9) Do you understand this: “No chuppah, No Shtuppah??
10) Who is your Rabbi?

You see, if Scarlett had used these ten questions she would have never even been bothered to go out on a date with Tom Cruise. She would never have had to suffer through two hours of brain-washing time with this ego-driven space cadet.

So here it from the Rabbi: Ladies, you’ve got to be very thorough to find a nice Jewish boy.

Note: Tip the Chuppah to Jewlicious.

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Posted on June 27, 2005, in Judaism. Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. The first question should be: “Are you Jewish?”

    If the answer is “no,” there is no point in going on a date. Jews are dwindling. I feel that the more intermarriage, the more trouble we’ll run into.

  2. Hideyoshi Toyotomi

    Why are you all so racist?

    What does it matter if boys aren’t Jewish?

    Please, get over it.

    The Nazis were obsessed with race and look what happened to them.

  3. Old Cranky-Geek

    Judaism is not a race. It is a religion. Japan is a purely racist state. From Wikipedia:
    “Japan is a jus sanguinis state, meaning that it recognizes citizenship by blood, not by birth.”
    That is about as racist as you can get. And it is the law in Japan. And remember which side Japan chose when faced with the choice. The Nazis and Japan were on the same side, AFAIK.

  4. menachem chertoff

    This is meshuga scarlet johansson Jewish oy vey cambaka cambala yeah yeah

  5. what does no chuppah no shtuppah mean

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