Halachic Issues in Arranging a Shidduch
Because of the rash of ill-founded attempts online to hook up Jews, like JDate, JMatch, JewishMate, Jtrue, JewHarmony, Heebhookup, Sawyouatsinaitemple, Mustlovekugel, JShtup, JewishAdultFriendFinder, HotYiddishMaidel, MarryForMoney, SemiticSex, and many many more, I realized that we need to promulgate the real Jewish views on dating in order to guide the future generations of Jews on the West Side of Jewhattan, some of whom are already third generation singles. Learning a chapter of this book each morning will help all Jews.
The following is an excerpt from Haimish L’ChaimPublished by Metzorah Press Inc. ©2003/5763 The Haimish L’Chaim Legacy Foundation
Chapter 1: Halachic Issues in Arranging a Shidduch
1. Though everyone feels qualified to be a shadchan, one must exercise great caution.
2. Children born of marriages arranged by untrained shadchanim, G-d Forbid, decide to work, and not learn full-time.
3. Most matchmakers are in it for the money, therefor poskim agree that you should sign pre-shidduch agreements, limiting the amount they can charge.
4. In the event of a good shidduch, a shadchan receives their honorarium, according to all authorities, after the main meal is
served. Some say it can be even after desert.
5. Min Ha Torah, Parents have no right to veto or approve potential shidduchim. However, Rabbinically, they can veto a shidduch for any good reason.
6. Speed dating, on-line dating, virtual dating, single-socials, venues where singles may meet, Heaven Forbid, and personal ads are strictly forbidden, because aino makom l’bnei melech. They are permitted in Teaneck.
7. One must first ascertain that you know very little about the potential shidduch, so that you will be impartial.
8. Most authorities permit knowing just a little bit about the other party, however, this is only in a case of hefsed merubah.
1. See Shadchanut K’Hilchasa vol.3, Meor L’Shadachan and Pri Shadchan. The
Bidet Shadchan is lenient here. Most people who get into shidduchim are looking
for quick get-rich schemes and fail to take into account the responsibility.
According to an alternative understanding of the destruction of the Second Beis
Hamikdash found in Midrash Kacha Kacha, G-d destroyed his Temple because of
poor shadchanus. The RU”M of Havana explains this apparent contradiction with
conventional understanding. Was it sinas chinam or poor shadchanus that caused
the churban, destruction? He writes that it is really no contradiction. People
enjoyed setting up their neighbors with children of families they were
incompatible with, so that their own kids could marry the desirable children from
good families. Needless to say, in order to fix the sin that caused the expulsion
from our land, and the destruction of our Holy Temple, we must learn on a daily
basis the halachos of Shidduchim. Only in this way can we hope for a restoration
of our glory, the rebuilding of the Temple, and an end to the Exile.
3. See Hardsell’s® Matchmaker, Matchmaker Make Me A Match, Find Me A Find,
Catch Me A Catch, for a suggested pre-shidduch agreement text.
4. See Inyanei Chatunot, by HaRav HaGaon I. M. Broke.
5. The Meor l’Shadchan is lenient. Some say he is actually more stringent, because
he liked to serve desert first, at the Shmorgasborg, and then he had the fruit and
6. Somewhere it says this, trust me.
7. According to the klal in Chosen Mishpat, “Zeh sheh meshalem, hu ha boss.” In
other words, the one who will pay for the mistake gets to nix any good match if it
is financially risky.
8. See Hilchos Bnei Melech. Since it would be unseemly for President George
Bush, Shlita, to put his children into an online dating program, for example, this
is forbidden for all B’nai Yisrael, who are Children of Hashem.
9. As is known, the laws of tinok sheh’ nishbar, are more lenient in regards to
dating and other things.
10. The Alhapanim Gaon, admonishes those who think they know it all. “Who
knows it all if not Hashem. So you think you are so great that you want second-
guess Hashem? Who made you so high and mighty?” See Mussar For Dummies.
11.Commonly translated as “great financial loss.” In our context it refers to “loss
of a great shidduch.”